Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT  HIM, O.K.?!!'

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in California  when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
 
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
 
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
         
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. 
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
 
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
        
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep.  Now give me back my dog.”

After being married for 35 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap  car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 60-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not  holding up your side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 22-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis...