* The Auxiliary of The Atlas Senior Center / The Department of Family Support Services
 

JOKES, JOKES & MORE JOKES 2
(more to come)

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
(If you have seen the movies you will really enjoy this)

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.  He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.  However, the gates are closed,  and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
  
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.  Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I  know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:  What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:  How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:  What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the  first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?

Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?

Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:  January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.

'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,

'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and very frustrated St. Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'



UPS MAINTENANCE REPORT

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly.


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P:  Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S:  Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P:  Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S:  Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P:  Something loose in cockpit.
S:  Something tightened in cockpit.

P:  Dead bugs on windshield.
S:  Live bugs on back-order.

P:  Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S:  Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P:  Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S:  Evidence removed.

P:  DME volume unbelievably loud.
S:  DME volume set to more believable level.

P:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S:  That's what friction locks are for.

P:  IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S:  IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

P:  Suspected crack in windshield.
S:  Suspect you're right.

P:  Number 3 engine missing.
S:  Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P:  Aircraft handles funny.
S:  Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P:  Target radar hums.
S:  Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P:  Mouse in cockpit.
S:  Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P:  Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on           something with a hammer.
S:  Took hammer away from the midget.

FRIED CHICKEN

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried Chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,  Everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. FriedChicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and He said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love Animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what Happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.  

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal Was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd Asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make Them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office.

Again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher Doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what Famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

 
 
 
 
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