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* The Auxiliary of The Atlas Senior Center / The Department of Family Support Services |
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FUN & GAMES & STUFF!
| Questions and Answers from AARP Forum |
From the American Association Of Retired People
Questions and Answers from AARP Forum: |
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger, women who are interested in them? |
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction. |
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? |
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live. |
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found? |
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ." |
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband? |
A: Tell him you're pregnant. |
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles? |
A: Take off your glasses. |
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face? |
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.. |
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? |
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. |
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? |
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem. |
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? |
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. |
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? |
A: On their foreheads. |
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? |
A: "Gosh, I remember these!" |
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT? |
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| Why I'm divorced . . . |
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch.....
Naked. |
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| And that's how the fight started..... |
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I wil l always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........ |
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Rules to live by |
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
3. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
8. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
9. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
10. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive again.
13. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
14. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
15. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
16. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
And the most important....
17. I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon,...and a shot of tequila.
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